ah yes, the great rolling roallercoaster soap opera of my life continues along its merry way. the jekyll and hyde story that constantly engulfs me in various polar emotions of love and hate for my reflection is an ever present leech that drains me of my energy when down and perks me up like an energizer bunny when i'm high on endorphies.

it's both a joy and a curse but it makes me what i am...different.

but right now I wouldn't mind stepping into a normal life...at least for a week or 2.

i've spent the better part of the last 3 years jet setting around the globe and around asia playing the game i love and finding new experiences everywhere i go. its brought me much joy and excitement, some new pieces of hardware, and memories I'll treasure for the rest of my life.

I've also had a fine and dandy time trying to cram for school. mug tests and fuddle out crappy assignments just to scrape together enough points to make the grade. its a pathetic feeling for a perfectionist but its obviously not painful enough for me to wanna do something about it.

today's a fine and dandy example of what i mean.

i get back after 2 weeks on the road. i've spent my birthday away from my friends and family in a foreign land for the 2nd straight year. i've been sick as a dog during my 2 debut tourneys of the year (not your friday hack with the boys mind you) and screw up both of them mightily, something i do not take pleasure in doing.

mom's on my tail about my golf game again. when will it stop?

i'm pissed as hell that i've let another 2 good opportunities go by.

coach is optimistic, friends are supportive and i'm ready to move on and work hard again. step one. get back in the gym...getting fit again. illness drained me badly and i'm trying to work myself back up to 100%. so i pump as hard as i can yesterday.

naturally i ache like hell this morning. george's out doing his passport so i got no ride to seletar. i'm slightly concerned about the prof studies presentation next week and my coaching assesment tomorrow. not to mention EP work for tonights lecture.

so i make the call. no training today. finish work so i can get it all off my mind and just concentrate when i get back. and wasn't that supposed to be the theme of the year? compartmentailzation. focusing 100% on something at any given time.

so off i go. something completely irrelavent. i write a long overdue letter to flossie. its a start and i get something i've been meaning to do out of the way. off i go. finish lesson plan and stare blankly at powerpoint presentation for about an hour or so. brain dead.

do some EP work. worrying about the exam in a couple of weeks. sms back and forth with coach who for some reason doesnt sound very happy on the messaging. says he'll call later. talk to mom for inspiration.

end up getting slammed. about everything i've done in the last 24 hours.

bitch.

i mean really. damn! is my freggin golf the be all and end all of my life? fucking hell!
she's been on my fucking case since i stopped winning and started making adjustments to my game. she's never been on the level that i'm on so i've got no idea why she talks about the stuff that she thinks should help me.

it bugs me so bad.

ok, so i've got issues with time management. some of you out there can relate to me yar? but sheesh, try living as the perfectionist son of a very good perfectionist who keeps drilling me with everything she knows.

penknife looks good now.

i know i'm overreacting but thats the thing. everytime suicide comes into my mind i realise i've got so much in the world to live for i just cant kill myself. friends, family, projects, people. its all just too much. so i plug on.

maybe a need a break from the game. i think the subconcious is trying to tell me something like "get the fuck out for a bit and breathe before you wind up hating the game you love"

i've got some major issues.

and i gotta fix them up.

right now i'm blogging when i should be training...or working...or writing...

think its easy being me?

think again

constantine